On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize