I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
