Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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