Don't make out with my wife yet
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
