I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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