hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize