I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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