Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
