I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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