is your mom at the bar?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
