wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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