This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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