The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
