Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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