East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
