I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
