She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
