so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
