if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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