Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
