dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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