My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My ATM looks so different sober.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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