Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
