Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
