matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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