The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
