I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
