you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need a beard to bite.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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