I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
