Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
