His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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