Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
