Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
