just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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