thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
