I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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