I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
