I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
