I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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