You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
