margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
