you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize