I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
