i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
