if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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