I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
