i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
