when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
