I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
