I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
