I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
