i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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