I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
