I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize