i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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