I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
