dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
