I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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