I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
