woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
