I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
