I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think my moral compass just broke
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