Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
