she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
