At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
